14 Ways to Redefine Your Self-Worth

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What is Self-Worth?

The Merriam-Webster site defines self-worth as a sense of one’s own value as a human being.

This is the emotional part of you that determines how important and valuable you see yourself. Therefore, this one little word and all it entails has significant effects on your life. 

I know this all too well. The self-doubt, the expectations of perfection, the negative self-talk, that little voice in the back of your head that refuses to let up.

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If you are like me and grew up in a toxic environment, you are even more likely to struggle with this, because you were taught through the actions of others that you are not valuable. 

Which is why I’ve been so intentional about building my sense of self over the years, allowing me to research techniques and strategies that have helped build my own self-worth. That’s why I’m writing this post. To share with you what I have learned and where I’ve seen success.

Before digging in, let’s take a quick look at all of these self-terms, e.g. self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. Most are pretty similar, but there are important nuances and the lines can easily blur together.

If you already know what all of these self oriented terms mean, then jump down to the meat of the post and lean how you are sabotaging your self-worth and how to build it back up.

Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem 

Truth be told, there really isn’t much of a difference between self-worth and self-esteem.

Self esteem is noted as confidence and satisfaction in oneself, which we can say is pretty darn close to a sense of one’s own value as a human being.

Perhaps the only nuance here is one is satisfaction with ourselves and one is recognizing our value. We may not be satisfied with what we did, however, if we have self-worth then we know it doesn’t define our value. 

Self-Worth vs. Self-Confidence

Self-worth and self-confidence are also somewhat similar, but there is a nuance here as well. 

Self-confidence is confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities. You see the nuance? Self-worth is overall and self-confidence is more specific, specific to our abilities. 

For instance I’ve always had confidence that I’m a good researcher and gatherer of information. Despite my ongoing struggle with self-worth. Confidence in one area does not mean self-worth overall.

Self-Worth vs. Self-Love

Last but not least is Self-love. Self-love per Oxford Languages is regard for one’s own well-being and happiness. Self-love is dependent on the other self terms. For instance, you need to have self-awareness and value yourself to make a concerted effort to pour into yourself.

After-all, if you don’t value yourself and are not aware of negative thoughts or making it a practice to redirect them, then you likely aren’t going to put yourself first and practice self-love. There is more here on self-love and how you can start shifting your mind to love yourself. 

Cognitive Distortion and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Before digging into how we sabotage our self-worth and things we can do to create a difference, I think it’s important to touch on the concept of cognitive distortion and cognitive behavioral therapy. Because these concepts are really the underlying pieces of all of this self-talk.

Cognitive distortion, simply said is the magnifying of the negative narratives we tell ourselves, the untrue thoughts that we dwell on and overthink till they become distorted and the inverse of reality. 

An example would be (and I’ve done this too many times) I missed 3-days in a row of working out…why am I so lazy…I can’t stick to anything…now all the work I put in is wasted and I might as well quit.

These are unconscious thoughts, I don’t even think I realize they are there most of the time. They are in the subconscious and they create feelings of failure, which then turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. 

I  know we all do it, right? Or maybe the highly evolved don’t? Don’t worry, we will get there. We need to get there. 

How we habitually talk to ourselves HAS TO CHANGE for us to see our worth and value ourselves. That brings us to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). 

CBT is a form of psychological treatment that helps us recognize these harmful distortions in our thoughts, understand why they are happening and create strategies to cope. These strategies will help us gain confidence and self-worth. 

Through the strategies we will discuss here, you in-turn will be able to spot when you are going down that road of negative self-talk and reassociate those thoughts.

In line with the CBT process, before we can build our self-worth  we need to recognize and understand how we sabotage our mental health and self-worth.

How we Sabotage Our Self-Worth

One really  important thing that I think gets lost. And one of the ways we sabotage our self-worth, is by not knowing what we really want and what we value. We therefore tie our self-worth to things that we see from others or that society tells us is important.  

What do you want?

What do you value?

Are you connecting your self-worth to things that really don’t matter, are you focused on things that are outside of your circle of control?

We commonly tie self-worth to things that don’t matter to us. Dig deep, take out a pen and paper and write down what matters to you.

Tying Self-Worth to the Wrong Things

Over the years there are certain elements of my life that I have let define my value and worth for way too long. Additionally, I’ve seen these unhealthy patterns in my friends and family.

There are some common offenders. Areas where you can more closely examine to see if these are facets of your life where you are likely compromising your self-worth.

Tying Self-Worth to Productivity or Achievements 

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is one of the biggest.

This is where some of the other self terms come together. We gain self-acceptance and self-confidence through achieving goals and producing results. Much of the time we are competing with others to achieve these results.

There is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, but this can make us prone to always looking at what others are doing, how we measure up and defining our self-worth based off of that perception.  

The only person you truly are in competition with is yourself. How you grow and improve in areas that are important to you is what is in your circle of control. 

Yes, our achievements are amazing, we should continue to put ourselves out there and achieve results; this will help us gain our self-confidence, but it does not define our self-worth. 

Tying Self-Worth to Your Job

This is another one where I think a lot of people tie their worth to their job. I know I did for so many years, just truly breaking free of that mentality almost a year ago.

What’s the issues with tying your worth to your job?

Most of what happens at your job is outside of the circle of your control. The only thing that in fact is in your control when it comes to work is your thoughts, the way you react to situations at work and the level of effort you put in. Whether someone else chooses to value you, respect you or see your talent is not in your control. 

We sabotage our self-worth and happiness by focusing on things that are outside of the circle of our control. 

When you connect your worth to your work, you are likely going to overwork. You will work an excessive amount to fill that need that we all have, the need to be valued and worthy. 

After-all, if we are busy we are important, we are needed. Right? 

But, it will never work. You will likely constantly feel like you are giving more than you are getting and it will further affect your thinking and self-worth. 

When you connect your work to your worth, you are also more likely to be a people-pleaser, to not speak up when you feel strongly about something or when it compromises your values. 

The foundational piece of self-worth is knowing who you are, knowing your values and being mindful and persistent on being unapologetically you. 

Therefore, what matters most is that you love what you do and it fulfills you. If it doesn’t fulfill you this is even more of a reason to remind yourself it is a job and it’s not connected to your self-worth and values. I’d also recommend finding something else, something that does fulfill you. Because life is too short.

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Tying Self-Worth to Relationships

This is a hard one. Relationships are so important to our emotional wellbeing. Even if you are one of those people (like me) that at times convinces herself she doesn’t need anyone.

Unquestionably, we all need support systems, we need to connect and we all need people to love and to be loved ourselves.

On the other hand, unhealthy relationships are not conducive to our wellbeing and people with higher self-worth, more self respect have stronger, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 

When we respect ourselves, our fulfillment and what we want out of life is more important than what other people think. Don’t misunderstand me, it hurts when a family member or a friend doesn’t believe in you or disrespect you, but your worth, your value has nothing to do with their opinions.

Nor does it have any connection with the number of people in your life. If your partner or friend tomorrow decided they don’t want to talk to you any more, this does not change your worth! Is doesn’t change what you value, what makes you uniquely you or what you contribute to this world.  

Red Flags in a Relationship

With that said, if you have people in your life that you find are more likely to be negative, condescending, critical, judgemental, manipulative, then view this as a huge red flag. Let them go!! Or if they are family, someone you can’t let go, set boundaries and expectations for who that person is. 

You might have a friend, partner or family member that is skeptical and honest. I’m not saying your friends shouldn’t be real with you. I have a close friend and she is always skeptical at first and then she works her way to being supportive. Ultimately if it’s something you value then the people in your life should respect and support that and value your perspective  – unless it’s scandalous, but that’s another blog post. 

Toxic people will always make you feel like crap. Get rid of them! Anyone who knows me knows that I will be quick to cut someone off. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It means I love myself more – and that is not selfish.

What was originally a self-defense mechanism has turned into part of my self-love journey, as I’ve decided I just don’t have the space in my life, in my mind to give to someone who drains my energy or tries to make me feel as if I’m less. You don’t have that space to give either.

Lastly, be aware of the conversations that you have with those in your life. A lot of what we are talking about is mindset and circle of our control. If you find that your conversations with someone are always talking about other people or are negative, then rethink if that is a healthy relationship for you or if boundaries should be set.

It’s not just how we talk to ourselves, it’s how we talk to and about others. I’m as guilty as the next person when it comes to venting, nonetheless it’s amazing how the negative energy can seep into everything else when you are thinking negative thoughts. 

Toxic Parent or Partner

Thought it was important to break this out, cause it adds a whole other level of complexity. In this scenario, boundaries and expectation setting become increasingly more important.

Eliminating the relationship with your mom or partner is many times just not possible. So how do you know it’s a toxic relationship and how can you manage it to maintain your mental health and sense of self.  

Signs of Toxic Family Members

• A parent or partner that is controlling. A parent that tries to tell you how to parent your kids, lashes out at you when you do something they don’t agree with or a partner that doesn’t let you leave the house and questions you every time you look at your phone. How unhealthy and damaging to your self-worth to be questioned and not trusted in these basic ways. 

• They are selfish and manipulative. Focused on just their needs and they make everything about them.

• They are non-supportive and overly critical of everything you do. Putting you down and likely anyone else, as it makes them feel better about themselves. This person likely never takes blame for their own actions. 

How to Best Manage Toxic Family Members

Create physical and emotional boundaries for what you will accept and what you expect from them. Let them know what you will not accept e.g. it is not okay to tell me how to parent my children.

Know what to expect from them. I had a family member most of my life that would frequently miss family events and cancel at the last minute. At first you take it personally, but now I know this is what this person does. I’ve set a mental expectation that helps me manage that relationship. 

Tying  Self-Worth to Social Media 

When it comes to social media I have seen improvements to some degree. Maybe that’s a positive of the current state we are in? I tend to see more people showing their true selves, the good and the bad. 

Even so, there is still a lot of pretty and a lot of perfect and let’s be real, a lot of fake you are exposed to when you scroll through your social feeds.

My daughter loves to sing and I may have a bias here, but I think she is pretty good at it. She is convinced that those with possibly lesser talent get thousands of more views and engagement on their posts. Sometimes they are just standing there, doing absolutely nothing. She attributes that to their looks. Therefore likes and views equal value because in her mind that person has something she doesn’t have.

There is a pressure to be perfect, to be something that we are not. That pressure and appearance can create self-doubt and perceptions about our self-worth that are not true. 

If we can ask ourselves. Is this likely really this person’s life, does this person look like this all the time. Challenge our initial perception of what we are seeing. 

And look to those that are real,  the real people in  your life. Either physically or those you’ve formed closer relationships with online. There  you will see reality. 

And know that you are uniquely you. There is literally not one single person like you. Therefore it’s unfair to our mental health and wellbeing to compare ourselves to others. 

All or Nothing Thinking  

Okay, I’m doing it. I’m adding another self word for this one. Self-compassion! Self-compassion is critical and one nemesis of self-compassion is not being okay with failure and having all-or-nothing thinking. Boy am I guilty of this, are you?

No middle ground and extreme focus with lack of balance.

All-or-nothing thinking sets us up for failure. All-or-nothing thinking is many times a sign of low self-esteem and self-worth. We want to prove to ourselves and to others that we are worthy – we want to be validated. The fire is from a place of self-doubt and insecurites, not confidence or certainty. 

It doesn’t allow for compassion, which is necessary to feel good about ourselves. This type of thinking stops us from achieving our goals, because if we don’t achieve, well then we think we’ve failed. 

Focus on your intentions, not in absolute terms and not to the extreme. Change the narrative. 

Needing Validation From Others

It is completely normal to want to feel validated. When people listen and learn from us we feel like our thoughts/opinions matter.

Perhaps if we are raised in healthy homes where we receive validation and a healthy dose of other perspectives we become healthy adults with a strong sense of self.

If we grow up in an unhealthy home, then we may have low self-worth and feel as if we need validation more than the average bear. 

This goes back to when we talked about knowing who we are, our values and what’s important to us. Not that validation won’t continue to be important, but that we believe so strongly in who we are, that consequently approval of others has no effect on our view of who we are and the value we bring. 

How to Increase Self-Worth

How do we build our self-worth? A journey I’ve been on, that I’m still on. These are some things that have helped me.

In particular, the most important piece has been to ensure that I’m not looking at this as something being wrong with me – this would defeat the purpose. I look at it as I’ve come so far and I’m always in beta and this is how I’m going to continue to grow. Going into this with a growth mindset is important. 

Another principal that permeates throughout this is silencing the inner critic. Recognizing when we are distorting our thoughts and strategies to bring us back to reality. 

Focusing on Things in the Circle of Our Control 

I’ve said “circle of control” like five times in this post, so I won’t be too lengthy here. Focus on the things you can control. When you focus on your thoughts and what is in the circle of your control, I promise you will increase your self-worth and confidence and overall mental health. 

Mantras and Affirmations of Self-Worth

I’m a big fan of mantras and affirmations and not only having them, but making them present in your environment. You look to the right or left of your space and you will see positive messages. In your social media feed, it’s filled with positive.

I’m so passionate about this, that I’m making it part of the business I’m building to create products that remind you everyday what you are capable of.

In my Facebook group every Monday when we are getting back into the groove of life, I post affirmations and motivational quotes.

You can find tons of great motivational stuff and affirmations for women on Amazon that will provide physical reminders. You can also find items on Pinterest to print out yourself.

I will be creating a list of these soon and will update with the link when that’s ready, so bookmark this page and check back in a few weeks! 

I would put them right here in this post, but I probably lost half of my readers, as I’m well over 3 thousand words 😂

These self-love journal prompts may be good for the moment. 

Meditations to Build Self-Worth

I’ve started meditating again. It is so helpful. My mind goes and goes. If you made it this far, then my friend I’m sure your mind goes and goes as well.

I highly recommend the Calm app. I have a free version through my job, so always check those resources first to see what might be available. On the app there are some good medications to build self-worth. The ones I’d recommend are: 7 Days of Self-Esteem, Relationship with Self Series and there are other mindfulness series as well.

One of the methods of CBT is mindfulness. It’s the activity of reflecting (in a quiet space) on your inner thoughts. Slightly different than typical meditation where you clear your thoughts and focus on the present, the strategy here is to watch the thoughts and let them flow out of our awareness without engaging them, but recognizing them. The intent is to teach us the types of things that may trigger our negative self-talk and how to become more aware of this when you are not meditating. 

Books to Build Self-Worth

There are so many good books around self-love and self-worth. It’s all about what you expose yourself to and the information you feed yourself. Fuel your mind and energy with positive and empowering messaging.

I also will be creating a list of books here and plan to start doing reviews on different books. I won’t give a timeline on this. Can you tell I’m an overachiever? This too is part of the self-love journey, not having to do it all.

Set Your Intentions

Focus more on your intentions and less on your goals.

Have you ever been there? You want to lose weight, so in turn you set a habit-based goal. I’m going to walk 2 miles for 5 days a week and you diligently are tracking each day you walk – where are my list checkers at?

Then life happens and you don’t walk for 1 or 2 of those 5 days. If you already struggle with self-worth, you are likely going to internalize this and perceive it as failure. 

I’ve now switched to macro-level longer term goals. Yes, I still have a plan of how to get there, but I removed all my habit goals. Because I know my intention is to get healthier and if I miss a couple days or a 2 weeks, I can always align back with my intentions.

Our sense of self is in part determined on how we manage our expectations. We can help ourselves out by not being so hard on ourselves, not being so stringent. 

What are your intentions? How can you focus on these? 

Self Reminders of Your Self-Worth

You want your intentions and words of empowerment to be front and center when you need them.

Things I’ve done to help with this.

Creating a vision board and therefore increasing the positive signs around my space. You can grab materials here and get started.

Created daily rituals that align with my values and goals and give me a sense of self and focus.

I pull a Power Card every day. Okay almost every day 🥴 

I create a Facebook Group where I’m responsible for filling the space with messages that lift others up. Keeps me accountable to looking for these inspirational messages and sharing them.

Another option is to start your day with one of the self-esteem meditations or positive self-talk. Today will be a good day, whatever the day holds I’m going to make the best of it. I can’t wait to do XYZ (whatever you are looking forward to) this evening.

OR

I look pretty hot today, I’m really liking this bold lipstick.

Whatever it is, speak the positivity into existence. 

Practice positive self-talk, especially when you recognize the negative narratives creeping in. There is a woman in one of the Facebook groups I’m in and she said she keeps positive notes from clients to look back on. I thought this was a brilliant idea to remind yourself of how amazing you are. Or write your own list of positive attributes and read them when you are entering that dangerous zone. 

Change Your Environment Change Yourself

I’m a huge believer in your environment being key. Wear clothes with empowering messages, have positivity hung all around the areas where you are the most and surround yourself with positive people. Setup a space that enables and supports your intentions, in-turn setting yourself up for success. 

This may be controversial, but do your face, put on a bold lip. Yes, you are beautiful without it, but a bold lip, some clean skincare and makeup lifts me up and it might just do the same for you. I’m ready to take on the day. 

I kid you not, look how happy and confident I feel – you can see it. Even when sitting on the couch in comfortable pants in front of no one.

Treat Yourself 

Since we are starting out with listing our values and intentions and what makes us uniquely and amazingly us, we will have a great place for knowing how to treat ourselves and how to practice self-love. 

Treating ourselves signals that we are worthy of giving into ourselves, filling up our own cup. 

It doesn’t need to be connected to an achievement. Do it just because. Do it because your are worth it!

Get that Stitch Fix. See one of my latest hauls and post on whether clothing subscription services are worth it.

Binge on Vampire Diaries (okay maybe that’s just me 😂)

Eat a filet mignon or nachos and Queso

Go to the gym. I’m a huge fan of Orangetheory. If you are local to the Baltimore are, let me know and we can go together!

Take a nice therapeutic bubble bath

Get your nails done or if we are still in the midst of a pandemic, get yourself a nail kit and do them yourself. 

You are worth it and I certainly believe in you!

Where do you plan to start? Inspire others in the comments.

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